Why Understanding the 7 Types of Marriage Can Transform Your Relationship
The 7 types of marriage identified by psychological research show that not all marriages are created equal – and that’s perfectly okay. Dr. David H. Olson’s groundbreaking study of over 8,000 couples revealed distinct patterns that can help you understand your own relationship better.
The 7 Types of Marriage:
- Devitalized (40%) – Low satisfaction across most areas, staying together despite unhappiness
- Conflicted (14%) – Regular heated arguments with poor conflict resolution
- Financially-Focused (11%) – Money and financial security as the primary bond
- Traditional (10%) – Clear roles, strong religious values, family-oriented
- Balanced (8%) – Equal partnership with shared responsibilities
- Harmonious (8%) – High satisfaction with intimacy and affection
- Vitalized (9%) – High satisfaction across most relationship dimensions
As marriage researcher Bella DePaulo puts it: “The secret to a great marriage is deciding what you want your marriage to be about and being on the same page as your potential partner.”
Marriage isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for your parents, friends, or the couple next door might not work for you. And that’s the beautiful truth I finded when I stopped trying to force my relationship into someone else’s mold.
The research is clear: a marriage is successful if you and your spouse get out of it what you both decided you wanted. This means understanding your relationship type isn’t about judgment – it’s about awareness, growth, and making intentional choices together.
Whether you’re in a struggling marriage that feels stuck or a happy one that could be even stronger, knowing these patterns can be your compass. It helped me move from confusion to clarity, and it can do the same for you.
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Step 1: Moving Beyond the “Happily Ever After” Myth
Here’s something that might surprise you: the fairytale marriage we see in movies? It’s actually a pretty recent invention.
For most of human history, marriage had nothing to do with butterflies in your stomach or finding your “soulmate.” Instead, it was more like a business deal. Families arranged marriages to expand their workforce, secure land, or create powerful alliances. Love was nice if it happened, but it wasn’t the point.
The idea of marrying for love only became popular around the 18th century. Before that, your great-great-grandmother probably married someone her parents chose to strengthen family ties or improve their social standing. Romance novels hadn’t convinced anyone they needed to feel fireworks every day for fifty years.
This historical context matters because it shows us something important: there’s no single “right” way to be married. The 7 types of marriage that research has identified reflect this beautiful diversity in what couples actually want from their relationships.
Think about it – we’ve moved from arranged marriages focused on survival and status to modern relationships where couples get to decide what success looks like for them. Some prioritize deep emotional connection. Others value partnership and shared goals. Some focus on raising children together. None of these approaches is wrong.
The real shift happened when we stopped asking “What should marriage look like?” and started asking “What do we want our marriage to be?”
Here’s what the research tells us: getting married doesn’t automatically make people happier or healthier. What makes the difference is whether both partners are getting what they actually wanted from the relationship. A marriage succeeds when it meets the personal fulfillment goals that the couple set together.
This means your neighbor’s perfect-looking Instagram marriage might be completely wrong for you. And that’s okay! Your version of “happily ever after” gets to be uniquely yours.
Understanding this shift from societal expectations to personal choice is the first step in figuring out which of the 7 types of marriage fits your relationship. It’s not about conforming to someone else’s definition of success – it’s about being intentional about what you and your partner actually want.
For a deeper look at how these changes unfolded over time, check out The Evolution of Marriage From Ancient Times to Modern Day.
Step 2: Uncovering the 7 Types of Marriage Identified by Science
When researchers started digging deeper into what makes marriages tick, they finded something fascinating: relationships aren’t just “good” or “bad.” They’re far more nuanced than that.
Dr. David H. Olson, a family social science expert, wanted to understand the real patterns behind successful and struggling marriages. So he did what any good scientist would do – he gathered data. Lots of it. Using his comprehensive assessment tool called ENRICH, he studied 8,385 couples across nine key areas of their relationships.
These areas weren’t random either. Dr. Olson looked at personality compatibility, communication patterns, conflict resolution skills, financial management, leisure activities, religious attitudes, parenting styles, and intimacy (including sexuality). Basically, all the stuff that really matters in day-to-day married life.
What he found changed how we think about marriage entirely. Instead of just happy or unhappy couples, his empirical analysis of marriage types revealed seven distinct marriage patterns, each with its own unique fingerprint.
Here’s what really struck me about his research: happy marriages are usually held together by intrinsic factors – things like great communication, solid conflict resolution skills, and genuine compatibility. Meanwhile, struggling marriages often depend more on external circumstances or are weighed down by ongoing distress.
Understanding these patterns isn’t about putting your marriage in a box. It’s about recognizing where you are so you can figure out where you want to go.
The Distressed Unions: Devitalized, Conflicted, and Financially-Focused
Let’s be honest – not all marriages are thriving. Dr. Olson’s research showed that a significant number of couples are struggling in very specific ways. Understanding these patterns can be eye-opening, whether you’re in one of these situations or trying to avoid them.
Devitalized couples make up a whopping 40% of all marriages – nearly half! If you’re in a devitalized marriage, you probably feel emotionally disconnected from your partner most of the time. Communication feels strained or non-existent, intimacy is rare, and you might find yourselves being critical of each other more often than not.
The tough reality? Many devitalized couples stay together not because they’re happy, but because they don’t see better options. Maybe it’s for the kids, maybe it’s financial security, or maybe it’s just easier than starting over. Some people call these “zombie marriages” – they’re technically alive but missing that spark of real connection.
Conflicted couples represent about 14% of marriages, and their defining feature is pretty obvious: they argue. A lot. But here’s the kicker – these aren’t productive disagreements that lead to solutions. These are heated, ongoing battles that seem to go in circles without ever really resolving anything.
If you’re in a conflicted marriage, you might feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages, even when you’re technically using the same words. The frustrating part is that there’s definitely engagement between you two – it’s just mostly negative.
Financially-focused couples make up 11% of marriages, and money is their main connection. Now, don’t get me wrong – financial compatibility is important in any relationship. But for these couples, it’s become the primary glue holding everything together.
You might have great financial planning, shared business goals, or impressive wealth-building strategies. The challenge comes when financial circumstances change or when you realize that economic partnership alone doesn’t fill the emotional needs that most people have in marriage. If you’re dealing with money stress in your relationship, our guide on Financial Stress & Marriage can offer some helpful perspective.
The good news about recognizing these patterns? Awareness is the first step toward change. None of these categories are permanent sentences – they’re starting points for understanding what needs attention.
The Happier Partnerships: Traditional, Balanced, Harmonious, and Vitalized
Now for the encouraging news – Dr. Olson’s research also identified four types of marriages where couples generally experience much higher satisfaction and stability. These partnerships show us what’s possible when different approaches to marriage actually work well for the people involved.
Traditional couples represent 10% of marriages and find their strength in clearly defined roles and shared values. This might look like one partner focusing on career while the other handles home and family responsibilities – but the key is that both people genuinely accept these roles.
What makes traditional marriages work isn’t the specific roles themselves, but the mutual agreement and respect around them. These couples often have strong religious or cultural foundations, close family ties, and a shared vision of what their life together should look like.
Balanced couples make up 8% of marriages and are all about equality and fairness. If you’re in a balanced marriage, you probably share household responsibilities, make major decisions together, and both feel like your voices are heard and valued.
The beautiful thing about balanced couples is their teamwork approach to life’s challenges. When something comes up – whether it’s a career opportunity, a family crisis, or just figuring out weekend plans – they tackle it together as equal partners.
Harmonious couples also represent 8% of marriages, and they’ve got something special: incredible emotional and physical intimacy. These couples genuinely enjoy each other’s company and often describe feeling deeply connected and satisfied in their romantic relationship.
Here’s an interesting twist though – harmonious couples sometimes struggle when children enter the picture. Their harmony is often centered on their connection as a couple, and adding kids to the mix can feel disruptive to that dynamic.
Vitalized couples are 9% of marriages, and they’re what many relationship experts consider the gold standard. These couples report high satisfaction across almost every area of their relationship – communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, finances, and shared activities.
What sets vitalized couples apart is their ability to handle disagreements constructively. They don’t avoid conflict, but they’ve learned how to work through it in ways that actually strengthen their relationship. Interestingly, Dr. Olson found that even in these highly satisfied marriages, about one in four wives had considered divorce at some point – proving that even great marriages require ongoing effort and attention.
These happier partnerships show us that there isn’t just one way to have a successful marriage. Whether your strength comes from shared traditions, equal partnership, deep intimacy, or overall satisfaction, what matters most is that both partners are getting what they need and want from the relationship.
Want to learn more about building these positive patterns? Check out our insights on Happily Married Couples: 10 Habits They Practice Every Day.
Step 3: Identifying Where Your Relationship Fits
Now that we’ve explored the 7 types of marriage identified by Dr. Olson, you’re probably wondering: “Which one describes us?” This isn’t about putting your relationship in a box and calling it done. Instead, think of it as a relationship check-in – a chance to honestly look at where you are and where you want to go.
Self-assessment is the first step toward growth. When I work with couples, I often see the lightbulb moment when they recognize their patterns for the first time. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s always enlightening.
Start by asking yourself some key questions about your relationship dynamics. What draws you and your partner together each day? Is it deep emotional connection, shared responsibilities, or perhaps financial stability? There’s no wrong answer – just honest ones.
Consider how you and your partner handle everyday moments. When you’re both relaxed and happy, how do you connect? Do you laugh together, share dreams, or focus on practical matters? And when stress hits – because it always does – what happens then? Do you turn toward each other or away?
Your communication patterns reveal a lot about your marriage type. Some couples thrive on passionate discussions (even heated ones), while others prefer gentle, harmonious exchanges. Neither is inherently better, but understanding your style helps you see which category fits.
Think about your shared goals too. Are you building something together – a family, a business, a lifestyle? Or are you more focused on enjoying each other’s company in the present moment? Both approaches can create fulfilling marriages, but they look very different day to day.
Here’s what I’ve learned from years of working with couples: your marriage type isn’t your destiny. These categories help you understand your current patterns, but relationships are living things that can grow and change. A Conflicted couple can learn better communication skills. A Devitalized marriage can refind intimacy with intentional effort.
The real power comes from having this conversation with your partner. When both of you understand your current dynamics, you can decide together what you want your marriage to be about. Maybe you’re perfectly happy as a Traditional couple, or perhaps you want to move toward becoming more Balanced or Vitalized.
Partner expectations often create the biggest surprises in these discussions. You might find that you’ve been working toward different goals without realizing it. One person might be focused on building financial security while the other craves more emotional intimacy. Neither is wrong, but getting on the same page is essential.
This process naturally leads to identifying areas for improvement. If you recognize yourselves in the Devitalized type, that awareness alone is powerful. It means you can start having conversations about what you both truly want and need. If you’re already in one of the happier categories, you might find specific areas where you can grow even stronger.
Understanding your attachment styles can add another layer of insight to this self-reflection. Our patterns of connecting often stem from deep-rooted attachment needs. You can learn more about this in Understanding Attachment Styles to Strengthen Your Bond as a Couple.
The goal isn’t to judge your relationship as “good” or “bad.” It’s to create awareness that empowers you both to build the marriage you actually want – not the one you think you’re supposed to have.
Step 4: Exploring Modern and Intentional Marriage Structures
Beyond the empirically identified 7 types of marriage by Dr. Olson, today’s couples are writing their own relationship rules. We’re living in an exciting time where marriage isn’t just about following a script handed down from previous generations. Instead, couples are getting intentional about what they want their partnership to look like.
This shift reflects something beautiful: we’re moving from what people “should” want in a partner to what they “actually” want from a partnership. And honestly, it’s about time.
Let’s explore some of these modern approaches that couples are choosing today.
Starter marriages might sound unconventional, but they’re becoming more common. These are marriages entered into with the understanding that they might be temporary – often without children and sometimes with predetermined timelines. Think of it as a “practice run” at marriage, where both partners gain experience, personal growth, or even professional benefits. While it might sound cynical to some, when both people are honest about their intentions, it can be a learning experience that serves everyone involved.
For couples who’ve finded their romantic spark has faded but still deeply care about their children, a parenting marriage offers another path. The primary commitment here is raising kids together in a stable, loving environment. Romance might not be the focus anymore, but effective co-parenting is. It’s a pragmatic choice that prioritizes the family unit, and for many couples, it works beautifully. You can learn more about this approach in Parenting Marriage: A Viable Alternative to Divorce?.
Companionship marriages celebrate the power of deep friendship. These partnerships are built on shared interests, mutual support, and genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. The focus isn’t on passion or romance, but on being best friends who’ve decided to build a life together. For people who value emotional intimacy and shared experiences over romantic love, this can be incredibly fulfilling.
Sometimes practicality takes center stage in what we call safety or convenience marriages. These unions are primarily about tangible benefits – financial security, health insurance, immigration status, or simply pooling resources to make life easier. While this might sound unromantic, when both partners are transparent about their motivations and genuinely consent to the arrangement, it can be mutually beneficial. We explore this concept further in A Marriage of Convenience.
Open marriages challenge traditional monogamous assumptions by allowing both spouses to have other romantic or sexual partners, with full knowledge and consent. This requires exceptional communication skills, clear boundaries, and unwavering trust. It’s not for everyone, but for couples who can steer it successfully, it offers a way to maintain their primary commitment while exploring other connections.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, covenant marriages make divorce significantly more difficult to obtain. Available in just a few states, these marriages require premarital counseling and have very limited grounds for divorce. They appeal to couples with strong religious beliefs or those who want extra accountability in their commitment.
Living Alone Together (LAT) marriages offer an intriguing balance between commitment and independence. These couples maintain separate homes while staying emotionally committed to each other. Whether it’s for career reasons, personal space preferences, or simply enjoying their own living environment, LAT couples prove that you don’t have to share a roof to share a life.
Here’s how some of these approaches compare:
| Feature | Traditional Marriage | Parenting Marriage | Companionship Marriage |
|---|---|---|---|
| Primary Goal | Family, roles, duty, societal norms | Raising children effectively | Friendship, shared life experiences |
| Intimacy | Varies, often linked to roles/expectations | Low romantic/sexual, high co-parenting | Platonic, deep emotional support |
| Finances | Often male breadwinner, shared household | Shared for children’s well-being | Can be separate or shared, depending on agreement |
| Social Life | Family-oriented, community-focused | Child-centric, focused on family activities | Active together, shared hobbies and friends |
What I love about these modern approaches is that they’re honest. They acknowledge that one size doesn’t fit all, and that’s perfectly okay. The “best” marriage type isn’t determined by what looks good on social media or what your parents expect – it’s what works for you and your partner.
The key is communication and mutual agreement. Whether you’re drawn to a traditional structure or something completely unconventional, success comes from both partners being on the same page about what you’re building together.
Step 5: Learning the Universal Ingredients for a Strong Bond
While each of the 7 types of marriage has its own unique dynamics, I’ve finded something fascinating through years of working with couples: certain ingredients show up in every thriving relationship, regardless of whether you’re in a Traditional, Vitalized, or even Financially-Focused marriage.
Think of these as the non-negotiables – the foundation that allows any marriage to flourish. Without them, even the most compatible couples can struggle. With them, partners can weather almost any storm together.
Shared understanding and mutual respect form the bedrock of every strong marriage. This means truly seeing your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. It’s about honoring their thoughts, feelings, and dreams – even when they’re different from yours. When respect flows both ways, couples create that safe space where vulnerability becomes possible instead of scary.
The research is crystal clear on this next point: open and honest communication can make or break a marriage. I’ve seen couples transform their relationships simply by learning to really listen to each other. It’s not just about talking more – it’s about sharing what’s really in your heart and mind without fear of judgment. Secrets, as we know from studying troubled marriages, are intimacy killers. But when partners can be transparent about their needs, fears, and dreams, something beautiful happens – they actually start feeling understood. Our guide on The Importance of Communication in Marriage: How to Improve Your Relationship dives deeper into this crucial skill.
Here’s what might surprise you: effective conflict resolution skills aren’t about avoiding fights – they’re about fighting fair. Every couple disagrees. The difference between marriages that thrive and those that struggle isn’t the absence of conflict, but how partners handle it when it shows up. Strong couples focus on solving problems together rather than winning arguments. They’ve learned to stay curious about each other’s perspectives instead of getting defensive. If this resonates with you, check out our practical strategies in 7 Navigating Conflict Resolution in Your Marriage With Effective Communication Skills.
Emotional intimacy goes far beyond physical closeness. It’s that feeling of being truly known and cherished by your partner. This happens when couples consistently show up for each other emotionally – celebrating victories, offering comfort during tough times, and being each other’s safe person. It’s built through countless small moments of connection, not grand gestures.
Life has a way of throwing curveballs, which is why adaptability and flexibility are so crucial. Jobs change, kids grow up, health challenges arise, and people evolve. Couples who stay strong are those who can bend without breaking. They approach changes as a team, adjusting their expectations and finding new ways to support each other through transitions.
Finally, trust and forgiveness act as the glue that holds everything together. Trust isn’t just about faithfulness – it’s about believing your partner has your back in all aspects of life. And when trust gets damaged (because we’re all human), the ability to forgive and rebuild becomes essential. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but rather choosing to work through them together.
The beautiful truth about these ingredients is that they work regardless of what type of marriage you have. Whether you’re building a Companionship Marriage based on friendship or working to revitalize a Devitalized relationship, these fundamentals will serve you well. They’re the tools that help you create the marriage you both actually want, not just the one you think you should have.
Frequently Asked Questions about the 7 Types of Marriage
People reach out to us all the time with questions about marriage dynamics, especially after learning about Dr. Olson’s research. I’ve noticed that certain questions come up again and again, so let me share the most common ones – along with the honest answers that might surprise you.
What is the most common type of marriage?
Here’s something that caught me off guard when I first learned about this research: the most common type of marriage is actually the Devitalized one. Dr. David Olson’s study found that a staggering 40% of couples fall into this category.
Think about that for a moment. Nearly half of all marriages are characterized by pervasive unhappiness across most areas of their relationship. These couples often feel like roommates rather than romantic partners. Their communication has broken down, intimacy is rare or non-existent, and they struggle to resolve conflicts in healthy ways.
Yet they stay together. Sometimes it’s for the kids, sometimes it’s financial convenience, and sometimes it’s simply because the idea of starting over feels overwhelming. The sad reality is that many of these marriages carry a high risk of divorce – they’re just delayed divorces, really.
But here’s what gives me hope: recognizing you’re in a devitalized marriage isn’t a death sentence. It’s actually the first step toward change.
Can a marriage change from one type to another?
Yes, absolutely! This is one of my favorite questions because the answer is so empowering. Marriages aren’t carved in stone – they’re living, breathing relationships that evolve constantly.
I’ve seen couples move from devitalized to vitalized with intentional effort. I’ve also seen harmonious couples hit rough patches and temporarily become conflicted, only to work their way back to happiness. Life throws curveballs – job loss, illness, parenting stress, aging parents – and these challenges naturally shift relationship dynamics.
The key word here is intentional. Relationship evolution doesn’t just happen by accident. It requires both partners to recognize where they are, decide where they want to go, and commit to the work it takes to get there.
Communication is usually the starting point. When couples learn to talk openly about their needs, fears, and dreams, everything else begins to shift. Sometimes this happens naturally through life experience and maturity. Other times, couples need professional guidance to break old patterns and build new ones.
If you’re feeling stuck in an unhappy pattern, our article How to Make an Unhappy Marriage Happy Again offers practical steps you can start taking today.
What is the main difference between a Vitalized and a Harmonious marriage?
This is a great question because both types represent the happier end of the marriage spectrum, but they have distinct personalities.
Vitalized marriages are like Swiss Army knives – they excel across the board. These couples have high satisfaction in most areas of their relationship. They communicate well, handle money wisely, parent effectively together, maintain intimacy, and possess strong conflict resolution skills. When problems arise, they tackle them as a team. It’s the most well-rounded type of successful marriage.
Harmonious marriages, on the other hand, are specialists. They absolutely shine when it comes to affection and intimacy. These couples are deeply satisfied with their emotional and physical connection. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company and often describe feeling “in love” even after many years together.
But here’s the interesting twist: Olson’s research revealed that harmonious couples sometimes struggle with parenting conflicts. Their intense focus on their couple bond can make children feel like an intrusion rather than a blessing. They might disagree about discipline, feel overwhelmed by family responsibilities, or simply prefer their pre-kids dynamic.
So while both types are happy, vitalized couples tend to handle all of life’s challenges well, while harmonious couples excel specifically at maintaining their romantic connection but may need extra support in other areas.
The beautiful thing is that understanding these differences helps couples play to their strengths while working on their growth edges.
Step 7: Knowing When to Seek a Guide for Your Journey
Understanding the 7 types of marriage is like having a map of relationship territory – incredibly helpful, but sometimes you need an experienced guide to help you steer the terrain. Even with all this knowledge about marriage types and relationship dynamics, there are moments when professional support becomes not just helpful, but essential.
You don’t have to wait for a crisis to seek help. In fact, some of the most successful couples are those who proactively invest in their relationship skills. Think of marriage counseling like going to the gym for your relationship – it’s about building strength, not just fixing what’s broken.
If you’ve identified that you’re in a Conflicted marriage, for example, a skilled therapist can teach you and your partner how to transform those heated arguments into productive conversations. For couples stuck in a Devitalized pattern, counseling provides a safe space to explore what happened to your connection and how to rebuild it. Even Vitalized couples often benefit from professional guidance when life throws them curveballs or they want to maintain their strong foundation through major transitions.
The signs that it’s time to seek professional guidance often include feeling like you’re having the same arguments over and over, struggling to communicate without it turning into conflict, or simply feeling emotionally distant from each other. Maybe you’ve tried to improve things on your own, but you keep falling back into old patterns. That’s completely normal – and it’s exactly when having a professional guide becomes invaluable.
At Marriage Counseling Tip, we understand that every relationship is unique. We’ve helped couples from all walks of life strengthen their bonds, whether they’re dealing with communication breakdowns, navigating the aftermath of trauma, or simply wanting to deepen their connection. Our approach focuses on giving you practical tools that work in real life, not just in the therapy room.
Professional guidance isn’t about fixing what’s “wrong” with you – it’s about learning skills that most of us were never taught. How to fight fair. How to really listen to each other. How to rebuild trust. How to keep intimacy alive through life’s inevitable changes. These are learnable skills, and having an experienced guide makes the process so much more effective.
If you’re curious about what to expect, our article on What Does Marriage Counseling Consist Of? walks you through the process. Seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to your relationship, not weakness.
Ready to take that next step? We’re here to support you in building the marriage you truly want. Find support for your relationship journey and find how professional guidance can help you write the next chapter of your love story.
